


Breaking and Entering

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Developing Relationship, Feelings, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Post-Break Up, Smut, So much angst, Songfic, Temporarily Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-28 17:17:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12611500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: I should go, he tells himself as he pulls himself out of bed.I should leave, he says in the shower.I really need to go, he practically shouts to himself as he hears the apartment door open.He doesn’t leave. But he really, really should.





	1. Tell Myself

**Author's Note:**

> When I first started writing for these two, I said to myself "I can't write angst or smut, so I'll avoid that."
> 
> Consider this the series where I ignore myself as it is 95% angst and smut.
> 
> Every chapter is inspired by a song that I've heard recently and thought "Oh man, these two lawyer boyfriends."
> 
> Thanks once again to ChameleonCircuit for beta-ing, particularly for reminding me that grammar is a very real, very important thing. 
> 
> Please enjoy and throw me your kudos and comments to help me sleep at night!
> 
> Song - New Rules. Dua Lipa.

Sonny is relaxed. He’s three drinks in with the squad, celebrating a relatively easy win. Good witnesses, DNA evidence, and Barba had practically annihilated the defendant on the stand. Celebrations were rare, and the team certainly deserved this one.

“The thing that you’ve got to understand is, the 80’s were wild!” Fin rants, sloshing his beer a little. “Liv, Barba, you guys get it.”

Sonny lets himself look and laugh only at Liv’s reaction, a mixture of being offended and amused.

“I prefer to not think of what I was up to in the 80’s, especially around people who were born in the 80’s,” she quips, earning a round of laughter from the group.

“Plus Fin, I was a teenager for most of the 80’s. Nothing wild about studying, I can assure you,” Barba’s smooth voice sounds from across the table. Sonny can’t help it. He allows a small glance in his direction.

Barba’s tie is loose, his suit jacket hanging off the back of his chair. His hair is still retaining some of its style, but Sonny knows with one swift movement he could mess it up beautifully. He has two fingers of scotch in one hand, swirling it slowly before taking a sip. His eyes though. His eyes are locked onto Sonny’s, like he was waiting for Sonny to give in and finally look at him.

But Sonny won’t give in. Not tonight.

“A teenager in the Bronx! Surely you got up to  _ some  _ shenanigans!” Rollins playfully pushes Barba with her shoulder.

“None that will be regaled in this conversation,” he throws back, pulling his phone out.

Fin and Liv continue to tease each other about their youth, while Sonny waits.

He knows what’s about to happen, and he knows what he’s going to do.

His phone buzzes. He ignores it.

“What about you Carisi? Any wild stories from our resident good Catholic boy?”

He feels the attention shift towards him. Particularly that of a certain lawyer throwing him a pointed stare.

“There might be, but there’s not enough alcohol in the world for me to spill those stories.”

A collective groan goes around the table.

“If there’s one thing we all know, it’s that Catholic boys do get up to all kinds of trouble,” Barba mutters, taking another opportunity to sip his drink.

“You’ve got that right, Barba!” Fin claps Barba on the shoulder.

Fin and Liv move onto teasing Rollins, who hasn’t been on the receiving end yet.

His phone buzzes again. He pointedly ignores it, and Barba’s eyes. Not tonight.

 

 

The first time he and Barba hooked up was during a particularly gruelling case. He had been sent to his office to drop off some files. It was at the end of his shift, on his way home from work, so he didn’t mind. Not that he ever would mind.

He had knocked tentatively on the door, coming in after hearing a muffled grunt. Normally Barba would have been at his desk pouring over some paperwork. Instead he was on his couch, elbows on his knees, hunched over a glass of scotch.

“Hey, Barba. Got those files you asked for.”

Normally he would’ve taken a seat at the chair opposite his desk, but the sight of Barba so broken kept him in his place.

The lawyer didn’t move.

He wasn’t quite sure what to do, so he placed the paperwork on his desk. He looked back to Barba, only to be met with piercing, green eyes staring back at him.

“Want a drink?” he murmured.

Sonny scratched the back of his neck, an old habit that only occurred when he was terribly nervous.

“If you’re offering.”

Barba pulled himself from the couch and proceeded to fix Sonny a drink. Sonny, who was still glued to the spot by his desk. Barba handed him his drink before returning to the couch.

A silence hovered around them as they sipped their respective drinks.

“Sit down, Detective.” No offer, no question. An order.

Sonny did as he was told, sitting on the couch also.

Another silence. They both avoided each other’s eyes.

“This jury is horrible,” Barba muttered into his drink, taking a large gulp.

“You can say that again.” Sonny took a sip.

“This jury is horrible,” Barba smirked, taking another gulp. Sonny nearly choked on his drink.

“That  _ joke  _ was horrible.” He knew those words would have more weight if he wasn’t laughing.

They fell silent after a moment.

“I’ve lost control of them.” It was barely a whisper, but Sonny heard it all the same. He glanced to Barba and saw something he never wanted to see again.

_ Fear. _

Barba was never scared, even when things weren’t going his way. He always had a plan to bring it back. Sitting here though, Sonny wondered how much of that was true. If Barba really did always have a plan, or if he was crippled by fear regularly.

“You’ll get it back,” Sonny reassured, placing a hand on Barba’s shoulder. The lawyer tensed. He knew the touch would probably be too familiar.

He turned his head towards Sonny, his eyes squinted with curiosity. He shot back the rest of his drink and placed the glass on the floor.

Barba then leaned in and kissed him.

Scotch. He could taste scotch, mixed with mint.

He then realised what was happening. Barba was kissing him, and here he was, wondering how long ago Barba had a mint.

He felt Barba’s hand tentatively rest on his jaw. It was then he finally reciprocated.

He pressed his lips harder against Barba’s, bringing his own hand to Barba’s neck, pulling him closer. He felt a tongue flick his lower lip, and he let it in. With that, they opened up the floodgates of passion. Tongues discovering each other, hands pulling each other closer. Before his thoughts could even drift towards contemplating what this meant, he was distracted by movement.

Barba climbed onto his lap, straddling him, kissing him with such intensity that he briefly wondered if his lips would hurt tomorrow. Barba’s lips left his own as he started kissing down Sonny’s jawline. Sonny lifted a hand to Barba’s head, running his fingers through the short dark hair.

He then realised Barba’s kissing had gone lower. And he was no longer in Sonny’s lap.

He was settled between Sonny’s legs, on his knees, fumbling with Sonny’s belt.

“Oh my god,” Sonny whispered, realising what was about to happen. He closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the couch. His thoughts started to catch up with him. This was happening. Rafael  _ frigging  _ Barba was about to suck him dry.

The air felt cool as Barba exposed him. A shiver ran through his body. He finally brought his gaze down, and he was so thankful he did.

Green eyes locked to his own. Barba’s tongue licking his own bottom lip. He was undone, wild with hunger. Sonny moaned from the idea that  _ this  _ was something Barba wanted. In his most vivid fantasies, he had always been the one to give himself to Barba. Yet here they were. He closed his eyes as he gripped Barba’s head.

 

 

“Well guys, I’m gonna head,” Liv announces, pulling her coat on.

The table sounds out their own goodbyes, and she weaves her way through the bar to leave.

“Next round is on the new guy,” Fin shakes his empty beer bottle. Sonny rolls his eyes as he rises out of his chair.

“Still, Fin?” he laughs as he heads to the bar.

While waiting for drinks, his pocket weighs heavily with the object he’s been ignoring.

He sighs and pulls his phone out. Two text messages.

_ What are you doing later? _

_ I’m leaving soon. _

His heart flutters, much to his dismay. Shaking his head, he drops the phone into his pocket and collects the drinks.

Coaching his face into blank neutrality, he wanders back over to the table.

“Speaking of, here he is!” Fin is practically shouting at this point. Sonny hands the drinks around, plonking himself down into his chair.

“What are we talking about?”

“How Barba saved your ass on this case.” Rollins has a cheeky smirk on her face. Sonny curses ever telling her about his crush, while feeling eternally grateful that’s all she knows.

_ Crush. Eurgh. _

He feels juvenile even thinking the words.

“Yeah, yeah,” he waves his hand, trying to shrug off the fact that he did kind of save his ass. He had managed to stuff up some paper work which, if Barba hadn’t spotted it, would’ve cost them the case. As if he was going to admit that.

“One might say you owe me one, Detective.”

Sonny is hit with an overwhelming combination of emotions. Desire, anger, longing, all wrapped up in a confusing bow of anxiety.

His thoughts flung back to that first night in Barba’s office.

 

 

He had been fixing up his appearance, feeling out of his body. Barba had already returned to his desk, pouring over paperwork, another drink in hand. Sonny knew he had to leave. His post-orgasm euphoria was giving him a false sense of confidence. He went to open the door but found himself leaning his back against it instead, arms crossed over his chest.

“So Barba, what does this mean?” He knew it didn’t mean they were dating because he was dealing with  _ Rafael Barba _ , but he did need to know if this was a one-time deal. If Sonny could get amazing blow jobs on a regular basis, he definitely wouldn’t complain.

Barba lifted his head to meet Sonny’s casual gaze. At least, Sonny hoped it was casual.

“Let’s just say, you owe me one,  _ Detective. _ ”

 

 

Sonny refuses to meet Barba’s amused stare. He knows exactly what he’s doing, and Sonny is not going to give him the satisfaction of caving.

The other two detectives start throwing around stories of their close calls, with Sonny occasionally chiming in with his own tale. He’s well aware that Barba is eyeing him off. If the other two weren’t so tipsy, Sonny would be worried they’d notice.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Barba mutters, leaving his chair. Sonny glances over Rollins’ and Fin’s shoulders to watch the lawyer leave, and immediately curses himself for doing so. Purely because Barba is looking over his shoulder at Sonny, biting his lip. When their eyes connect, he even  _ winks. _

_ God,  _ he’s pulling out all the stops tonight.

 

 

Sonny had begun to wonder when he was going to be able to pay Barba back. Every night for a whole week, he relived the sensation of Barba’s lips around his dick. His hand pumping him furiously. It was driving him crazy, especially the knowledge that Barba expected him to return the favour.

It was around 10 o’clock on the next Friday when Sonny would hear from him. Sonny had just got home, collapsing into a ball on his couch. He was preparing for a night of numbing his brain with reality television, when his phone buzzed. He groaned as he reached into his pocket to get it.

_ Grandma’s. 30 minutes. _

Sonny bolted upright. The text message was from Barba, but it was clearly not meant for him.

**What’s that?**

He waited for the reply. For the snide ‘this wasn’t meant for you, Carisi.’

_ It’s the bar I’m at, Carisi. And I’m telling you to be here in 30 minutes. _

“Oh my god,” Sonny whispered. Was this his time to shine?

_ I want your opinion on the witness statements. _

Disappointment flooded through him. Disappointment followed by excitement. Sure, he wasn’t going to be showing Barba his recently acquired skills in the sucking department. But at least he could impress him professionally. He threw his coat on and bolted out the door.

The bathroom stall door slammed open as Barba pushed Sonny through it. He locked the door and crowded Sonny against the wall, his lips passionately attacking his own. Sonny broke away first, kissing Barba’s neck.

“I thought you wanted my opinion, Counselor,” he whispered, lips brushing Barba’s ear.

“And I thought it was an obvious enough fake excuse to get you here. When have I ever required your opinion?” His voice was husky with desire. The jab hurt only slightly, and Sonny felt a wave of determination course through him.

With one step, he pushed Barba against the opposite wall. Resting his hands on the lawyer’s hips, he continued his frenzied kissing and sucking of Barba’s neck.

“Leave a mark Detective, and this will be the last time.”

Sonny moaned at the confirmation that this was not the only time they would do this. He could feel Barba’s breath on his neck, the slight scent of alcohol filling his senses. He bit Barba’s earlobe, before dropping to his knees. He was ready to show Barba exactly how good he could be.

 

 

Barba returns to the table as Rollins and Fin are gathering their things.

“Are you heading home?”

“Yeah I’m gonna make sure Rollins gets home alright,” Fin says, shrugging his coat on.

“Plus, Carisi says he’s got some pals meeting him here,” Rollins slurs.

Barba sends him a sharp look.

“Really. Some pals.”

Sonny takes a swig of his beer, shrugging his confirmation.

“Well, I’d best be off too.” He grabs his coat and leaves the bar without a look back.

The two detectives seem confused by the bluntness of his goodbye.

“He alright?” Rollins asks him.

“I don’t even try to pretend to know what’s going on in his head.” Sonny hopes none of the bitterness he’s feeling slips out. He feels his phone buzz.

When the detectives wave their goodbyes and leave, he lets out a massive sigh, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands.

 

 

He loved hooking up with Barba. They were  _ unbelievably _ sexually compatible. Sonny could blow Barba to the point he could see stars (or so he told Sonny), and Barba knew exactly how to pound Sonny until he screamed his name.

They had a few regular spots they would go to. Usually Barba’s office late at night, or a handful of bars the lawyer had in his arsenal, guaranteed for anonymity and filthy bathroom sex. They had even been to Sonny’s apartment a handful of times, though Barba never stayed the night.

Never stayed until a month ago.

They had been particularly drunk, stumbling and sucking each other off throughout Sonny’s apartment, before collapsing into bed for a quick fuck.

Sonny woke up to sunlight blasting on his face.

_ My god I’m hungover. _

He groaned and rolled over away from his window, but was met with a body.

_ Barba? _

He tried to remember how the night had ended.

His stomach dropped.

He remembered cleaning them both up. He remembered Barba trying to leave. He remembered pulling him back to bed and begging  him to stay.  _ Begging.  _ He remembered Barba hesitating, reminding him that they were, for lack of a better term, fuck buddies. He remembered fluttering his eyelashes and pouting and, once again,  _ begging  _ him to stay.

Why would he do that?

_ Because you like him _ , his heart screamed at him.

He shook his head, laying on his back to stare at the ceiling.

No, he knew what this was. He knew they weren’t supposed to catch feelings.

He glanced over at the sleeping man. His brain knew they weren’t supposed to, but it appeared his heart didn’t get the memo, skipping a beat at the sight of the other man.

It was his drive, he realised. His desire. Not just in the sack, although it was certainly there too. No, it was how he had clawed his way to the top of every facet of his life, and planted himself up there. It was the way he was logical, yet sensitive. A force of critical thinking and sweeping fiery passion.

_ I like him. _

His heart sunk. He knew Barba didn’t feel the same way. It wasn’t just the snide remarks, which didn’t dissipate in bed either.

He had noticed a pattern. He’d never get a text or call during the week, even if they were both free. It was always late at night on the weekend. Late enough that Barba was drunk. Every time. He’d noticed after he had begun to associate the taste of scotch with the familiar tongue exploring his mouth.

So not only did Barba not feel the same way, he considered Sonny only when he was drunk. He probably regretted it the next day.

“Oh man,” he whispered. This was going to be a problem.

 

 

He kept coming back though. He couldn’t stop himself. The man was captivating, and he felt himself falling further every time they spent a night together.

Barba had begun to stay the night any time they were at Sonny’s. Sonny would wake up to the warm body next to him, Barba’s cologne clinging to his pillows.

His heart raced every time. He just hoped Barba wasn’t noticing his lingering stares.

His hopes were quickly dashed a week ago.

Sonny had woken up first, his head pounding with yet another hangover. He glanced to the side.

Barba was curled into a ball, facing him. His eyes softly closed. His mouth slightly agape. Blanket pulled all the way up his chin, in a way that Sonny could only describe as  _ cute. _

Barba’s eyes fluttered open.

“I wouldn’t do that,” he mumbled, gradually lifting himself out of bed.

“Do what?” Sonny asked, propping himself on his elbows.

He watched Barba pull on his clothes from the night before.

Once he was fully dressed, he gave Sonny a look that screamed pity.

“I wouldn’t keep looking at me like that. It won’t end well for either of us.”

And he left.

He  _ left. _

Sonny stayed frozen for a long time, his mind running marathons to cope with what Barba had said.

 

 

He doesn’t really have pals coming to meet him. He just needs to be alone. To clear his head.

He thought he could do this. This whole, 'fuck buddy' thing. It was great at first, it really was. But he can’t keep ignoring his feelings. He can’t keep being used like this.

Because that’s what is happening. Barba is using him. Sure, they had started off using each other.

Now though… now his heart races at the thought of the lawyer. He catches himself daydreaming, not about mindblowing sex, but about coffee dates and kissing each other’s noses and romantic anniversary dinners.

He picks up his beer and downs the rest.

Barba knows. It’s why he gave him the warning. He knows how Sonny feels, and he doesn’t care.

This is why Sonny is ignoring him. He needs to cut himself off. He can’t keep lying awake at night wondering if Barba will ever return his affections.

He pulls his phone out, remembering he got another message.

“What?” he mutters to himself. The text message is an address.

An address he’s never seen before.

As if on cue, Sonny’s phone buzzes. A phone call. From Barba.

Sonny contemplates not answering. He wishes he still had some beer left.

He groans, knowing he’s at least going to answer.

“Hello?”

_ “Well?” _

“What’s the address for?”

_ “It’s where you’re getting fucked tonight.” _

Sonny can practically hear the smirk through the phone.

“Where is it?”

_ “My apartment.” _

Sonny freezes. His blood runs south. This battle was over before it begun.

 

Sunlight creeps through curtains, washing over Sonny’s face. He doesn’t open his eyes right away.

When he finally does, there’s a moment of confusion. Followed by realisation.

He’s in Rafael Barba’s bedroom.

He caved in.

_ Damn. _

He rolls over, hoping to once again see Barba sleeping.

The bed is empty.

He reaches to the bedside table for his phone. A text message.

_Had to be somewhere. Feel free to shower._

He huffs out a laugh. A fairly impersonal message from the person who fucked him senseless. So quintessentially Rafael Barba.

 

 

The bathroom floor hurt his knees, but Sonny didn’t mind. Not when Barba looked like that. Face flushed, sweaty. His hands holding Sonny’s head in place, even after he’d come and Sonny had finished swallowing. His chest heaving as his heart rate finally came down.

Sonny finally pulled himself off.

“Not to be blunt, but that was so much better than I expected,” Barba huffed out.

“I’m a man of many talents.”

“Oh, I can’t wait to find out,” he let out with a moan.

 

 

Sonny isn’t going to shower. He’s going to put his clothes on and leave, probably for the last time. He’s not even going to soak in the apartment. He wouldn’t be able to pull himself away from Barba if he did.

His phone buzzes.

_I’ll be back in half an hour with coffee and condoms. Get clean._

He groans and throws his head back to the pillow.

_ I should go,  _ he tells himself as he pulls himself out of bed.

_ I should leave, _ he says in the shower.

_ I really need to go _ **_,_ ** he practically shouts to himself as he hears the apartment door open.

He doesn’t leave. But he really, really should.


	2. Leave Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I’m tired,” Rafael had said as they stripped down to their boxers.
> 
> “I need to sleep,” Rafael had muttered as they crawled under the blankets.
> 
> “Hold me,” he had whispered as he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is called 'Leave Now', however an alternative title could be 'The One Where Rafael Is An Insecure Mess Who Thinks He's Unworthy Of Love And Who Knows Maybe I'm Just Projecting Myself Onto Him At This Point'.
> 
> As always, please leave kudos and comments along this journey! 
> 
> (Apologies in advance, I made myself sad with this)
> 
> Song - Let You Down. Peking Duk ft. Iconapop. Fairly decent banger considering it's depressing as fuck.

Rafael Barba knows he has a tendency towards addictions. Not anything like drugs, or gambling. More like little idiosyncrasies and quirks.

For example, he’s definitely addicted to coffee. Specifically black coffee with two and a half sugars. He’s addicted to picking the skin around his fingers whenever he feels particularly nervous or anxious. He’s addicted to playing Words with Friends with strangers, and Rita. He thoroughly enjoys defeating Rita on a regular basis. His latest addiction however, was becoming a problem.

Sonny.

Damn, Sonny.

He never thought the brash detective would ever make an impression beyond his gag reflex.

They’ve been sleeping together for about six months now, and the sex is still amazing. Mind-blowing. The best Rafael has ever experienced.

He’s worried though. He’s been worried for the past week.

Things have… escalated.

 

 

They had spent a weekend together. Not a drunken night. Not a hungover morning. A fully sober weekend. Well, mostly sober.

It had started last Friday night. Rafael had been going through paperwork by himself at a local bar near his apartment. Struggling to make sense of the timeline the squad had come up with. It was a hot mess and he was more than a little pissed he’d been left to deal with it alone.

He whipped out his phone.

_ I need your help with something. _

Considering it was Carisi’s handiwork, it only made sense for the detective to come help.

**Will it be… hard?**

Rafael’s eyes rolled of their own accord. Ridiculous innuendo shouldn’t be so alluring.

_ Depends. You clearly find it difficult to put documents into chronological order, so this could be a struggle. _

He tapped his pen on the table, awaiting the answer.

**I have a system, Counselor. Send me where you are, I’ll come teach you.**

Another unstoppable eyeroll.

He fired off his address, saving his retorts for when the detective came bounding in.

 

 

Rafael takes a sip of his coffee. He checks his watch.

Ten more minutes.

His heart is pounding, not from the caffeine.

This could have been easy. He really could have done this over the phone, or been especially blunt through text. He could’ve even just stopped calling all together.

He could have done all these things, but instead he is sitting in this café that he chose and he’s  _ freaking out. _

He checks his watch. It’s been 30 seconds.

_ This is unbearable. _

 

 

They had gone home together that night. Of course they had. Rafael knew the second he messaged Carisi over Liv, or any other capable detective. He knew they’d end up in bed together.

What he couldn’t have known, was how different this would be.

Neither had been drinking, usually a precursor to their trysts. They had actually gone over the paperwork together. If ‘going over paperwork’ meant Rafael reprimanding Sonny for ever considering a colour system over a chronological system (“This isn’t art school, Carisi.”)

One of the big indicators should have been how they left. Hand in hand.  _ Dangerous. _

Funny how Rafael faced rapists and murderers week in and week out, yet he considered holding hands with his lover dangerous.

The other big indicator was when they got to Rafael’s apartment.

“I’m tired,” Rafael had said as they stripped down to their boxers.

“I need to sleep,” Rafael had muttered as they crawled under the blankets.

“Hold me,” he had whispered as he drifted off to sleep.

 

 

He checks his watch again. 

Five minutes.

He pulls out his phone and opens Words with Friends.

Rita has chosen to play “S-I-E-V-E”.

Rafael chuckles.

He types in his letters.

V-O-D-K-A.

He then sends off a text message to Rita.

_ What you’ll be buying me when I beat you at this ridiculous game. _

Sure enough, his phone buzzes with a message.

**Game’s not over yet, Barba.**

He smirks and puts his phone down.

“What’s got you almost smiling?”

He almost jumps at the figure next to him.

Sonny.

He checks his watch. A few minutes early.

“You’re here early.”

Sonny chuckles, those damn dimples lighting up the room.

“That I am. Let me go get a coffee, I’ll be right back.”

Rafael watches the detective hesitate, leaning in slightly. As if he was going to kiss Rafael on the cheek. He opts for a clap on the shoulder instead.

Rafael takes a large gulp of his own coffee.

 

 

The next morning, Rafael woke up in Sonny’s arms. A comfortably warm feeling. Rafael wasn’t quite sure why it sent a shiver of anxiety through him. The younger man mumbled something incoherently, and Rafael was incredibly thankful he wasn’t awake yet. Enough time to untangle himself from the lanky arms. Enough time to dissect what last night meant. Enough time to come up with an excuse for his behaviour.

“Mornin’ Raf,” he whispered behind Rafael’s ear. Another shiver went through his body, but not out of anxiety. No escaping now.

“Since when do you think you can call me Raf?” he retorted, though in his sleepy state it didn’t contain quite as much bite as it normally would.

“Since I said it.” A lazy argument, one Rafael was glad to tear apart.

That is until Sonny shifted and pressed his body against Rafael.  _ All _ of his body.

“Well, hello there,” Rafael grumbled.

A well-placed kiss behind Rafael’s ear, and he forgot all about untangling and dissecting and excuses.

 

 

Sonny drops into the chair opposite Rafael. 

“Said it’ll be a couple of minutes. Gotta say Counselor, this place is… different.” He raises a questioning eyebrow.

Rafael understands the confusion.

The café is horribly pastel-themed. He can appreciate a certain amount of pastels, but there’s a reason the saying goes ‘Blue and Green should never be seen’, and this café is a perfect example.

He hadn’t picked it for its aesthetics.

He had picked it because it was busy enough that no one could hear them, far enough away that no one could recognise them, and ridiculous enough that neither of them will have made any positive memories to have the place soured by a bad experience.

“Heard about it from a friend.”

“It’s a bit far from the office, isn’t it?” His head is tilted, his face filled with curiosity.

“Might be worth it.”

Sonny scoffs, eyeing a particularly absurd painting on the wall next to them.

“So Counselor, what do you need?”

Sonny Carisi, ready to help. Always ready.

 

 

Rafael couldn’t remember the last time he spent the morning in bed. Literally couldn’t remember.

So the morning he spent with Sonny in bed was practically a vacation.

It had begun with sleepy, sensual morning sex. Rafael had never been a fan of sex first thing, but pushing into Sonny lazily and seeing the man’s eyelids flutter shut… it had definitely changed his opinion.

Normally they would clean up and be on their merry way, but something kept them in that bed. It could’ve just been laziness. Rafael didn’t think so.

Instead, Sonny rested his head on Rafael’s chest, drawing circles on the tufts of hair on his belly. Rafael stroked the back of Sonny’s head. Intimate. Another new concept for them.

They muttered stories about nothing to each other. Tales to amuse, to educate, to explain. Learning new things, confirming old opinions.

It wasn’t until Rafael received a text message that he even considered how much time had passed.

“Anyone important?” Sonny mumbled into Rafael’s collarbone.

“My mother.”

A moment passed as Rafael quickly responded to the message.

“What’s she like?”

Rafael felt his body stiffen slightly.

“She’s… tough.”

They both left it at that. It answered enough, but it definitely raised more questions. Usually one to pry and poke, he had to commend Sonny’s clear efforts to bite his tongue.

“What’s the time anyway?”

“Too late to still be in bed, that’s for sure.”

“Coffee?”

Rafael laughed.

“Those are the magic words, Detective.”

 

 

Rafael can feel himself pulling on the skin around his fingernails. It hurts, but he can’t stop.

A strong, pale hand covers his own.

“Hey, what’s up? Startin’ to worry me here Barba.”

Rafael finally meets his eyes. His damn baby blues. They’re pinched with worry. This is exactly the problem. He’s worried about Rafael. Unacceptable.

“Listen, I’ve been thinking…” he trails off. This is meant to be easier than this.

“Well that’s how every good conversation starts.” His words are joking, but there’s a hint of defensiveness in his voice. He can probably guess where this is going. Good. That should help.

“I think we should call it a day.”

There’s a thousand and one sentences he had planned on using to tell Sonny they were over. This is not one of them.

“Call it a day? Really? That’s what you’re going with?”

 

 

Coffee and bagels in Rafael’s kitchen had turned into cuddling on the couch watching stoner comedies (a stupid guilty pleasure of Rafael’s). 

Dumb movies had turned into takeaway food and cheap wine (scotch had to be top quality, but Rafael firmly believed wine tasted the same whether it was $10 or $100). 

Souvlaki wraps and Sauvignon Blanc had turned into sloppily making out on Rafael’s couch. Then in Rafael’s hallway. Then in Rafael’s bed.

Something was different.

Perhaps the intimacy of the day finally caught up to them.

When Rafael entered Sonny, their eyes locked. Pure. Powerful. 

This was different.

Rafael had always scoffed at the term ‘making love’. A silly, naïve interpretation of what was a wholly physical act.

But the way they stared at each other, the way their breathing became desperate with each thrust, the way they whispered devotions into each other’s mouths with each passionate kiss… they were making love.

 

 

Sonny removes his hand and places it in his lap. His whole posture has stiffened.

_ This is for the best. _

“It’s just time. It was fun, but it’s time.”

Sonny scoffs again. It’s a weak excuse, and Rafael knows it.

“’It was fun’. You’re not wrong there, Barba.”

He’s hurt. 

_ For the best. _

“I know this must be hard, but-“

“Clearly not hard for you,” Sonny mutters.

Rafael flinches.

_ If only you knew. _

“It’s not easy.”

He picks again at the raw skin.

“Right.”

Their silence is thick. Each waiting for the other to say something.

“I didn’t-“ Rafael starts, but he cuts himself off.

Sonny shakes his head.

“Barba, just say it.”

 

 

The next morning Rafael woke up in Sonny’s arms again. A feeling he could get used to, if it weren’t for the crippling anxiety wrapping itself around his neck, threatening to smother him.

Sonny’s phone started ringing.

He felt Sonny roll over to grab it.

“Hey Lieu, what’s up?”

He could just hear Liv give orders through the phone. He almost laughed. What would she say if she knew he had spent half a year banging her newest detective?

Sonny hung up the phone.

“Liv needs me at the precinct.”

He leaned over and planted a soft kiss on Rafael’s cheek. Warm.

Rafael rolled over to watch Sonny get dressed. He really could get used to this. The familiar feeling of suffocating creeps up his throat again.

Sonny was about to walk out the door, when he practically bounded back to the bed. Sonny leaned over him and pressed his lips to Rafael’s. A kiss that said ‘Thank you. I feel the same.’ He pulled back, his blue eyes crinkled in the corners, the beginnings of a perfect Sonny Carisi grin.

“I’ll talk to you soon.”

He looked like he was going to lean down and kiss Rafael again, but he resisted.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

_ There  _ was that smile Rafael had been waiting for.

 

 

Rafael wishes he could lean over and kiss away that heartbroken face.

Instead…

“I know how you feel.”

Sonny flinches now.

“I assumed as much.”

_ I feel the same. _

“I don’t feel the same way.”

Rafael had expected tears. Or anger. Or some emotional outburst so he could feel better about what he was doing. Maybe the fact that he wanted that, to alleviate some of his own guilt, was a sign this was the right call.

“When did you know?” Sonny’s voice is barely a whisper.

Rafael is taken aback.

“Sorry?”

“How I felt?” His eyes are piercing Rafael’s. A demand.

“I… When I first stayed over.”

_ You looked perfect. _

Sonny nods, like he expected as much.

“That’s a long time to string a guy along, Barba.”

_ Here we go. _

Rafael braces himself for an onslaught that never comes. Instead Sonny is still looking at him like he has some magical answer to make him feel better.

“I was hoping I’d feel the same.”

There it is. The kicker. The sucker punch.

“Jeez. Well, alright then.”

The waitress brings Sonny’s coffee cup over. Rafael notes that it’s a takeaway cup. Maybe Sonny had known what this was about to be.

Rafael wants to tell him the real reason. 

That he’s spent the better part of his life believing he’s incapable of love. Of being loved.

That Sonny has seen everything he’s got to offer. That there’s nothing more. 

That the look of admiration constantly plastered on his face, like he’s going to keep discovering good and beautiful things about Rafael… it leads to nothing. There is nothing more.

That on a good day, Rafael can barely take care of his own emotions. Let alone someone as sensitive and open as Sonny. The last thing Rafael wants is to take someone so pure and befoul him with his own insecurities and failings.

_ It’s for the best. _

“You should probably get back to work.”

Sonny lifts his head. His eyes are pleading for a real explanation. For something other than what Rafael is giving him.

Rafael takes a sip of coffee. A deflection.

Sonny opens his mouth, about to speak.

_ Yes. Explode. _

Without a word he grabs his coffee cup and leaves.

Rafael lets out a shaky sigh as the café door shuts.

_ It’s for the best. _

That’s what he tries to convince himself.

_ Sonny will get over it. _

Rafael just hopes he himself will get over it.


	3. No Chances Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Take a seat, Detective.” Oh wow. His voice is soft.  
> Sonny does as he’s told, but doesn’t get comfortable. He’s learned to never get too comfortable around Rafael Barba.  
> “What do you need, Counselor?” Neutral voice. Don’t give anything away.  
> Barba flinches at the tone.  
> Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is probably a good time to mention that this work is fairly canon-compliant, just my own interpretation. The past two chapters were towards the end of season 17. Which means we are now entering Season 18 territory!
> 
> Please leave kudos and comments to let me know what you think! (Or if you need a hug, like I did while writing this)
> 
> Song - My Love. British India. This song is also where I got the title for the series. It's angsty as fuck.

 

Sonny is waiting for the elevator. Tapping his foot. Impatient.

He really doesn’t want to do this, but the message didn’t exactly leave a choice.

_My office after you finish work._

He wanted to snip back something about possibly finishing late, but Liv had been letting him go early. He saw the looks her and the squad kept giving him. They were worried.

His heart is pounding. He could have said no. Quite easily. Deep down he knows Barba wouldn’t have forced it.

He thinks he might need this. They hadn’t really been alone together, aside from in a professional capacity.

Except for the other day.

The elevator doors ping open.

 

Sonny had to drop some files over to Barba. A familiar task, now dripping with dread. He accepted the responsibility as Liv clearly knew nothing about what had happened.

Amanda had given him a questioning look. _Are you okay?_ He had returned with a slight nod. _I’ll be fine._

He had told her what happened. He could feel himself getting angrier and more reckless with every new case. It wasn’t until she had dragged him to a bar and plied him with beers that he finally confessed.

She had been understandably shocked. Then amused. Then worried. After he’d finished explaining the whole situation, she had asked if there was anything she could do.

“Turn back time and tell me not to be a dumbass who gets attached to an emotionally unavailable narcissist?”

He and Barba had managed to get through the first 30 seconds of their exchange with polite pleasantries. That is until Barba dropped the tiniest bit of snark.

“Who filled out this paperwork?” Sonny felt his heart twinge.

“It looks like a toddler signed it.” His face twitched.

“This is practically gibberish.”

Sonny took a deep breath, and opened his mouth.

 

 

Sonny lets out a small chuckle in the elevator.

Looking back on it, the fact that the word ‘gibberish’ set him off was probably a sign that he wasn’t okay.

Because he really isn’t okay.

He keeps trying to tell himself he’ll be fine. He’s even gone on a couple of dates, though none went further than the promise of a potential second date.

The truth is, none of his dates challenged him. They’d be sweet, they’d be beautiful, but they’d offer no bite. Nothing to set his heart racing, his blood boiling.

No, apparently that power is solely reserved to one asshole lawyer.

 

 

“Barba, you can’t keep blaming us for your mistakes!”

“My mistakes? It’s not my fault you and your _team_ don’t know how to do your jobs!”

Sonny wasn’t sure how long they had been yelling at each other. He just knew his throat was sore, he was glad it was late enough that not many people were around, and that he would have the last word.

“Oh yes, we’re the ones who can’t do our jobs. Says the lawyer who refuses help from credible sources out of _spite!_ ”

Barba lets out a laugh.

“Spite? I’m the spiteful one? Every chance you get, you’re blowing up at me in front of your co-workers! You want to talk spite? Look in the damn mirror.”

“No, you don’t get to put this back on me. You’re the one being a dick here.”

“My _god_ , you’re sensitive,” Barba groans.

Something flashed in Sonny’s mind. This wasn’t about work anymore.

A pure, white hot rage seethed through him.

 

 

Sonny knocks on the door. A courtesy he’s had to get used to again.

“Come in.”

He opens the door and pops his head in.

“You wanted to see me?” Cool, indifferent. The mask he puts on specifically for Barba.

Barba, who is giving him a curious look. If Sonny wants to really hurt himself, he could almost say there is affection in those piercing eyes.

“Take a seat, Detective.” Oh wow. His voice is soft.

Sonny does as he’s told, but doesn’t get comfortable. He’s learned to never get too comfortable around Rafael Barba.

“What do you need, Counselor?” Neutral voice. Don’t give anything away.

Barba flinches at the tone.

_Good._

“Liv mentioned something today.”

He waits for Sonny to say something. Sonny just shrugs.

“I’m sure she did, you two do talk often.”

Another flinch.

“She mentioned… that something happened. To you.”

Sonny racks his brain.

What had happened… _oh._

“Oh.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

 

“You are being ridiculous Carisi!”

“Oh Christ Barba, I’m being ridiculous? Yes, I have emotions. Yes, I felt them towards you. I’m not going to apologise for that!”

“I’m not asking you to apologise, I’m asking you to put it in the past!”

Sonny groaned.

“It is in the past!”

“Carisi if it was in the past, you wouldn’t have yelled at me in front of your damn boss."

Sonny faltered.

_Damn._

Barba was right.

“Look, I’m sorry I yelled, but I refuse to apologise for not being an emotionless asshole. Or for doing my job.”

Barba’s eyes flashed.

Sonny knew he had hit something. Something deep.

“You know Carisi, I’ve always been under the impression that being a cop changes people,” he gritted out. His voice was ice. Cutting. “I could never tell if it was for the best or for the worst. Now I know. You can let yourself out, _Detective_.”

With that he grabbed his coat and stormed out of the office.

 

 

Sonny sighs. This isn’t where he expected this go.

“Didn’t think it was a ‘need to know’ thing.”

He refuses to meet Barba’s stare. He’s mostly worried he’ll see something in it. Affection.

“Carisi-“ he falters.

Rafael Barba at a loss for words. Who knew Sonny had to almost die for that to happen.

Sonny waits patiently for whatever quip Barba is racking his brain for.

“Carisi, you should have told me.”

Sonny sighs again. More a huff of air, really.

“What did you want Barba?” he finally meets Barba’s eyes. “What? A text? A phone call? Me to show up on your doorstep?”

Sonny shakes his head. None of those could have happened.

“You still could have told me.”

Sonny scoffs.

“And what? What would you have done?”

Barba falters again. Sonny can’t help but wonder what is going through the lawyer’s mind.

He’s always known Barba speaks in half-truths. In insults to cover his thoughts. In sarcasm to hide his feelings.

“I could have-“

“You could have done nothing.”

There’s silence.

It should be awkward.

It’s more… content. They’re not yelling. They’re not fighting.

“Sonny…”

His heart seizes.

“No.” Barba starts fiddling with his hands. Probably picking the skin. Sonny hates that he knows that Barba does this when he’s stressed. “You don’t get to call me that.”

Barba nods. He understands.

“All I want you to know is… our last conversation was a fight. Before that happened. And all I could think when Liv told me was, ‘God, what if that had been the last time I saw him?’”

“Well, it wasn’t.” Indifferent. Neutral. Good.

“If it had been though… I said some harsh things.”

Sonny huffs out a laugh.

“’Harsh’. That’s one way of putting it.” Barba doesn’t laugh. He just looks more worried. “I said some harsh things too.”

_Now_ Barba lets out a laugh, though there’s no life in it.

“You have every right to.”

Sonny’s turn to flinch. He doesn’t want to talk about this. About any of this.

“I don’t. It’s just been… hard.” Honesty. Apparently he does want to talk about it.

“I can understand that. As long as you understand, it hasn’t been easy for me either.”

Somehow Sonny is able to understand it, while simultaneously not believe it.

He nods as his answer.

Another comfortable silence as both men look to their own hands.

“If you need anything…”

Sonny lifts his head. Those beautiful eyes. That gorgeous mouth, tilted with the possibility of a smile. He’s seen Barba naked, yet this is the most honest and vulnerable he’s ever seen the man.

“I know who to call.”

A full blown smile, from none other than Rafael Barba.

Sonny’s heart flutters. And hurts.

He leaves without another word.

In the elevator, alone, he covers his face with his hands.

_I love him._

The truth hits him like a damn tsunami.

He’s spent so long trying to hate Barba, that he never saw this coming.

_I love him, and he doesn’t love me._

Sure, Barba holds some affection for him. A remnant of their time together.

He leans against the elevator wall.

_It’s time to move on._

  
  



	4. Finding Me Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Regret.
> 
> Rafael doesn’t regret much in his life. Sure, there’s things he feels guilty over. Not a lot of regret though. Until now.
> 
> Now his heart aches with regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the chapter that officially broke me. Mostly because it's when I discovered something painful about Rafael. This is probably my favourite chapter to write.
> 
> Please remember to leave kudos and comments!
> 
> Song - Lay It On Me. Vance Joy.

Rafael takes a large mouthful of scotch. A necessary addition to the day.

_ Suspended. _

As if he needed another knife stabbed into his career.

His throws back the rest of his drink, then signals to the bartender for another.

Which he promptly finishes in two large gulps.

He’s drunk.

Necessary.

He’s drunk enough to barely notice the eyes the bartender is giving him.

He’s drunk enough to barely notice the text messages and phone calls he receives.

He’s not so drunk, however, to miss the familiar scent that wafts near him.

“Thought I’d find you here.” Definitely not drunk enough to miss that accent.

“I must be getting predictable in my age.”

_ Oh good. Remind him how much older you are. That will help. _

“I wouldn’t say that.” Sonny’s voice sounds like the one he uses to coax wary victims. Soothing, but to the point.

“Oh?” His head is spinning a little.

“I’d like to think I just know you that well.”

Rafael remembers a time. A time when Sonny did know him that well. 

 

 

They had just collapsed against Sonny’s soft pillows, exhausted from their latest round.

It was late at night… or early in the morning. Rafael wasn’t sure. All he knew is he was basking in the bliss of a brilliant, drunken orgasm.

Next to him, Sonny let out a proud chuckle.

“What?” Rafael breathed out.

“Nothing. Just… you seem satisfied.”

Rafael glanced to the side. A smug smile planted on the younger man’s face.

“Don’t get too cocky.”

Sonny rolled onto his side, stroking his hand up and down Rafael’s ribs. He felt goosebumps prickle along his skin.

“Didn’t you like it?” His voice was husky, cracked. Probably from screaming Rafael’s name like a prayer. “Me, riding you. Grinding my hips. Giving you everything.”

Rafael shivered again.

“You aren’t the first person to ride me, Detective.” He knew his voice held none of its usual snark.

“No, but I’m definitely the best by far.” Rafael turned his head. Sonny’s face lit up with a cheeky grin.

_ Cocky little shit. _

“You say that like you know me.”

Sonny then kissed  _ that  _ spot. The one just behind his ear, guaranteed to bring Rafael from zero to a hundred in a heartbeat.

“Oh, but I do know you,” he whispered, lips brushing Rafael’s ear.

 

 

Rafael glances to Sonny, who is planted on the bar stool next to him. His long legs spread wide, as they always are when he’s sitting. He’s staring at his hands.

Rafael wonders what’s going through his mind. Why he’s here. What he must think of Rafael.

He signals to the bartender for another drink.

“I’ll just have a sparkling water,” Sonny orders.

Rafael chuckles.

“What?” Sonny questions, a slight bit of humour in his voice.

“Nothing. Not drinking?”

Sonny clears his throat.

“Nah. Trying to keep healthy.”

His words are innocent enough, but Rafael hears the subtext.

_ Drinking reminds me of you. _

_ You weren’t healthy for me. _

_ I can’t get hurt again. _

Rafael understands. He fucked up.

 

 

Sonny came back to the room with two glasses of water. One for Rafael, one for himself.

Rafael was still coming down from his second high of the night.

Sonny handed him his cup and dropped onto the bed next to him.

“You know, you may be the only adult I know who actually enjoys sparkling water,” Rafael teased, after indulging himself in a large gulp.

“It’s better than the tap water filth  _ you _ drink.”

Rafael let out a surprised laugh.

“Tap water doesn’t taste like goblin piss.”

Sonny’s turn to laugh. A full body experience, from his head throwing back, to his legs curling up to his chest.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry,” he gasped out between laughs. “I never thought I’d hear the great Rafael Barba say the phrase ‘goblin piss.’”

With that, Rafael succumbed to the laughter he’d been holding back.

 

 

Rafael can’t believe how badly he has screwed things up.

He had truly believed that being apart from Sonny was the best option. The only option. He had truly believed he’d never be able to reciprocate the depth of Sonny’s emotions.

Looking back on it, he’s always felt the same way.

“So…”

Trust Sonny to be the one to break the silence.

“So.”

He takes a sip of his scotch.

“Suspended.”

“You heard.”

Sonny takes a deep breath.

“I did.”

They don’t speak for a little while. Rafael is grateful for that. Just being in Sonny’s company has already made him feel less helpless. Or maybe it was the alcohol.

He glances to Sonny, who’s focused entirely on his half-empty glass.

No. Not the alcohol.

“It wasn’t sex.”

Sonny’s eyebrows raise.

“I’m sorry?”

“What Willard had on me. It wasn’t about sex… with Ashtonja.”

His mouth is filled with a metallic taste. Bile.

Sonny nods as he has a sip.

“I figured as much.”

Rafael shakes his head. Of course he knows.

Sonny has had Rafael figured out from the get-go. He’s understood everything Rafael has done. Is that love?

_ I hope so. _

 

 

Rafael woke up to a pounding headache, a dry mouth, and sore legs.

He blinked his eyes open and realised he was in Sonny’s apartment. Again.

He let his head drop to the side. He hasn’t grown accustomed to the sight of Sonny lying next to him. Peacefully asleep.

_ Beautiful. _ _   
_ As those thoughts crept in, he fought to stamp them down.

He couldn’t let Sonny in. 

The second he let Sonny in… he would ruin him. They would ruin each other. They would bleed toxic into each other’s lives.

He got dressed and left, brutal headache be damned.

 

 

Regret.

Rafael doesn’t regret much in his life. Sure, there’s things he feels guilty over. Not a lot of regret though. Until now.

Now his heart aches with regret. 

Before he can stop himself, he lets out a hearty chuckle.

“What’s so funny?”

He can feel Sonny’s curious stare.

“God. Nothing. There’s nothing funny about my life right now.”

He lets his eyes travel to the side, to suss out a reaction.  _ Worry. Concern. Fondness. _

“Hey, it’s not ideal. But a suspension does mean you’ll be coming back. You will be-”

“You ever have regrets, Sonny?”

Sonny’s face contorts into a picture of pain. Only for a second, before it’s unnaturally neutral.

“You regret something, Counselor?” he grits out, his jaw clenched.

_ Let him in. _

“Everything,” he whispers. He brings his gaze to Sonny’s perfect blue eyes. His head spins. He leans in slightly. Enough for Sonny to notice.

“Come on, Counselor,” Sonny whispers, turning his head away.

Rafael turns back to his own drink.

_ Let him in. _

“I regret what I did to you.” He can feel his words slurring a little. He won’t stop though. “I regret that I thought I could never feel the same. I really thought I couldn’t, I mean- you’re so- you deserved better. Better than what I did.”

Rafael is staring. Imploring Sonny to look at him.

“You’re drunk.” He’s trying to brush Rafael off.

“I am. That doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

It’s all true. 

_ I love him. _

He can feel the prickle of tears coat his eyes. He blinks them back, chugging back the rest of his scotch like it’s water.

Sonny’s phone rings.

He answers.

“Hey babe.”

Rafael’s heart drops to his fucking gut.

“Yeah, I can do that. Alright, bye.”

“It’s too late,” he murmurs as Sonny is hanging up.

He then stumbles out of his chair, straight for the bathroom. He reaches one of the sinks and proceeds to throw up the contents of his stomach. Scotch.

 

When he finally cleans himself up and leaves the bathroom, he completely expects Sonny’s chair to be empty.

It’s not.

Sonny is still there, nursing a half-full beer.

“You feel better?” he asks as Rafael takes a seat.

“Must have drank too much on an empty stomach. Rookie error.”

Sonny gives him a small shadow of a smile. Rafael’s heart skips a stereotypical beat.

“Girlfriend?”

And just like that, the smile is gone.

“Something like that.”

Rafael nods.

They don’t speak as they settle their tabs.

They don’t speak as they put their coats on.

They don’t speak as they step out into the snowy night.

Rafael shoves his hands into his pockets, to protect from the cold. His right hand touches something foreign. It feels like a napkin.

“You gonna be alright getting home?” For the first time in months, there’s no guard in Sonny’s expression. No defensiveness. Just pure affection.

_ Could it still be love? _

“I’ll be fine, Sonny.” No flinching. No anger at the use of his first name.

Sonny reaches a hand out to Rafael. He places it on Rafael’s cheek. Rafael leans into the touch, not just for warmth.

And just like that, the hand is gone. The warmth is gone. Sonny is flagging down a cab. When it pulls up, he opens the door for Rafael.

_ Ever the gentleman. _

Rafael slips into the cab.

With a beautiful smile, and without another word, Sonny closes the door.

Rafael pulls the napkin out.

_ It’s never too late. _

 


	5. Can't Go Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You remembered.”
> 
> Sonny shrugs.
> 
> “Not hard to remember a man’s favourite tea.”
> 
> Rafael chuckles. Not a bitter chuckle. A soft, sweet chuckle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So close now! This chapter was SO hard to write because I wanted to make sure that neither character found their situation easy. I'm pretty sure it failed, but either way, I made myself sad and happy all at once.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading so far! I'm glad my heart isn't the only one that's broken to pieces. Your kind words mean the world to me!
> 
> Song - Lose My Mind. Dean Lewis. I was loosely inspired by this song, as it doesn't entirely fit with the chapter, aside from its aesthetic.

It hasn’t stopped raining.

This entire case, it has not stopped raining.

Sonny wishes he could be mad about the weather. Instead he feels like a living cliché, basking in his self-pity and sadness, watching the rain pour down against the cab window.

He did like Aria. She’s beautiful, intelligent, witty. Just shy of perfect.

Of course, he had managed to lose his cool. And Aria.

_ Typical. _

He pays the cab driver and steps onto the pavement. He gazes up at his building for a moment.

An empty apartment is waiting.

He trudges up the steps to the building door.

“Carisi.”

He freezes. It can’t be.

Sure enough, when he turns around, there he is.

Even after all the time that has passed, all the fights and pain, Sonny’s heart still skips a beat.

“Barba?”

The rain is pouring down, and his expensive suit is getting wet, and his green eyes are wide and beautiful, and Sonny just  _ knows  _ he’s going to let him come in.

“Can I come in?”

Sonny sighs and shakes his head.

“Of course.”

 

He doesn’t look Barba’s way until they’re in the elevator, with at least two feet between them. The only reason he does is due to a sound. Chattering. He glances to the side. Barba is standing there,  _ shivering.  _ His teeth are literally chattering. His lips are tinged blue.

“Barba, you alright?”

He sniffs.

“I’m fine.”

The elevator doors open. Sonny places a hand on the lawyer’s lower back, guiding him to his apartment. He ignores the way Barba stiffens at his touch.

“You are entirely not fine.”

Barba sniffs again.

“I will be.”

“Jesus Christ,” Sonny mutters as he opens the apartment door. “Your clothes are soaking wet. Get in the shower, warm yourself up. I’ll get you some dry clothes.”

They step into the living room, but Barba makes no attempt to move further, other than to wrap his arms around his own body.

“I-I’m fine, Carisi.”

Trust Rafael Barba to be stubborn about his health.

Sonny places a hand on his hip, and for a moment has an out of body experience where he realises he resembles his Ma, scolding him and his sisters.

“Get in the shower. I’ll get you some warm clothes and something to drink. Liv would kill me if you died on my watch, especially from something stupid like hypothermia.”

For a moment, Barba is still. Aside from the uncontrollable shaking. Sonny watches his face relax ever so slightly. His eyes go watery. He sniffs, and nods slightly.

Sonny gestures for him to go to the bathroom.

He wants to say, “You know where to go.”

He wants to say, “You know where the towels are.”

He wants to say, “Watch out for the shower head, it likes to drop randomly if it’s not tightened beforehand.”

He says nothing. 

Instead he watches Barba go to the bathroom and close the door. He knows.

Sonny goes to his bedroom and lets out a large sigh.

Barba wants to talk.

About what, Sonny can only guess.

_ Probably drunk. _

It would explain his behaviour.

Sonny removes his own wet clothing, changing into sweatpants and a warm, zip-up hoodie. He pulls out a spare pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. He tries to ignore the fact that he already knows these particular items will fit Barba.

Sonny hears the shower stop.

_ How long have I been standing here? _

He shakes himself from his trance, makes his way to the bathroom and knocks on the door.

“Barba? I’ve got some clothes for you.”

“Come in.”

Sonny opens the door.

_ Fuck. _

Rafael has a towel loosely held on his hips. His tanned skin is flushed from the warmth of the shower. His hair is stuck to his forehead, wet. He’s almost forgotten how goddamn fucking  _ perfect _ Rafael is.

Sonny can feel himself staring. He doesn’t care.

“Those for me?”

Sonny clears his throat and attempts to lower his eyes. Unfortunately this brings his gaze to the towel hanging from Rafael’s hips.

_ One movement and that towel could be on the floor. _

He shakes those thoughts out of his mind and holds the clothes out.

“Uh yeah. Yeah, sorry. There ya go.”

Rafael takes the clothes out of his hands.

“Thanks.” Sonny can hear the smirk. He knows.

“I’m just gonna…” He points his thumb over his shoulder and turns to leave the room, managing to bump into the doorframe on the way out. For a brief moment he considers walking straight out of the apartment and never turning back, out of sheer embarrassment.

He hears the bathroom door click shut.

 

When Rafael finally enters the living room, Sonny is sprawled on the couch, flicking through channels. At the sound of the door opening, he bolts to an upright position.

He’ll never get used to Rafael wearing his clothes.

Rafael leans against the door frame, his hands in his pockets.

“I got some blankets. In case you’re still cold.”

Rafael gives him a small, warm smile.

“Thanks, Carisi.”

He sits down at the other end of the couch.  _ Still too close.  _ Sonny leaps from the couch.

“Want a drink?”

“Sure.”

Sonny rushes to the kitchen, feeling horribly nervous and off-kilter. 

“I think I have some scotch, definitely have beer if-”

“No.” Rafael’s voice is sharp. Sonny stops bustling about the kitchen. “Sorry. Got any tea?”

Sonny peers over the kitchen counter. His back is turned, but Sonny can see the tension in his shoulders, and resents the fact that he wants to give Rafael a massage. That he wants to soothe him so he can never be that tense again.

“Sure, Barba.”

 

When he returns to the couch, Rafael hasn’t moved. 

_ At least he’s not freezing any more. _

“Here ya go. Careful, it’s hot.”

He carefully passes the mug over to Rafael, who accepts it gratefully. He leans forward and breathes in the smell.

“Is this-”

“Chai.”

Rafael turns to look at him, and Sonny’s heart threatens to burst. There’s no tension, no regret, no pain.  _   
_ _ Love? _

“You remembered.”

Sonny shrugs.

“Not hard to remember a man’s favourite tea.”

Rafael chuckles. Not a bitter chuckle. A soft, sweet chuckle.

_ Something is different. _

They relax comfortably against the couch, sipping their tea, watching some crappy late night infomercials.

 

“I’m thinking of leaving the DA’s office.”

Sonny loses any trace of relaxation in a heartbeat. He turns his whole body to face Rafael, who is making a clear effort to focus on the television screen.

“I-I’m sorry?”

“Not forever, of course. Just thinking of taking some unpaid long-service leave.”

He doesn’t know what to say.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know.”

“Can I…” He doesn’t know how to finish the sentence.

“Spit it out, Carisi.”

This is all so familiar. A ghost of their former relationship, before everything became so messed up. He’s been feeling this for a while now. Their banter slowly returning. Their tension gradually fading.

_ Don’t be a fool,  _ a warning rings through his ears.

“Can I ask why?”

Rafael sighs, takes another sip of his tea then places it on Sonny’s coffee table.

“I was going to tell you this anyway, but…” he trails off, picking at his fingers.

Sonny gives him about thirty seconds of introspection before he grows impatient.

“Spit it out, Counselor.”

Rafael gives a half-smile.

“I’ve been in therapy.”

Sonny’s heart goes through what feels like a billion emotions, before settling on one. Relief.

“How long?”

“A couple of months now. After I realised that turning to scotch every single night, and feeling constantly on the edge of a panic attack… well, that it wasn’t healthy.”

Rafael is furiously picking at his fingers now.

“Raf… Hey, Raf.” He stops. Well, he freezes. “It’s okay.”

He gets it. He’s been in therapy ever since the Cole case.

“It’s not. I slipped recently. With my drinking. During the Karr case. And my therapist helped me realise that I’m… I’m losing my passion. I’m losing my drive. I can’t do this job if I don’t have that.”

He gets that too. He felt like that after… after he realised he couldn’t save everyone.

Sonny’s whole body is still facing Rafael. He props his elbow on the back of the couch, leaning his head on his hand.

“Raf… I didn’t realise.”

“It’s alright. Sue - my therapist - she recommended I don’t tell people until I’m ready.”

Sonny ponders that for a moment, draining the rest of his mug. He puts it next to Rafael’s when he’s done.

“What… How did you know you were ready?”  _ To tell me. _

Rafael finally looks at Sonny. His eyes are shining with tears, yet he’s smiling. Hopeful.

“Do you want the truth?”

_ Always. _

“If you’re going to tell it.”

Rafael bursts out in a quick, surprised laugh.

“I guess I deserve that.”

“Sorry, couldn’t resist.” Sonny flashes him a cheeky smirk.

“I found out… About your girlfriend.”

_ Oh god. _

Just in the time spent with Rafael, he had managed to forget the past week. Aria. Emma Lawrence. Everything.

“Ex.”

“Apologies. Your ex-girlfriend.”

Sonny notices the way Rafael’s smile switches from a smile to a smirk.

“Yeah well… It wasn’t a good relationship anyway.”

That’s true. It wasn’t. Aria challenged him, which he liked at first. But it was always like she wanted to change him. To shape him into something acceptable for her standards. 

“Right.”

Rafael drops his eyeline to his hands again.

Sonny remembers how this came up.

“What does Ari- what does this have to do with anything?”

Rafael rises from the couch and promptly walks to the bathroom. Sonny is understandably confused, but waits patiently. Somewhat.

When Rafael returns, Sonny notices something in his hands. A familiar colour. Rafael drops onto the couch, a little closer than before. He then properly reveals what’s in his hands.

The napkin.

He hands it to Sonny.

“You once told me it’s never too late.”

Sonny opens the napkin. It’s more worn than when he last saw it, and it’s damp from the rain still, but it’s his handwriting.

He meant it.

He still does.

“You kept it.” He can feel his eyes prickling.

_ Don’t cry. _

“Honestly, it’s part of the reason I realised I needed to make a change. I was- there was a word she used…” Rafael’s nose scrunches a little as he tries to remember, and it’s so goddamn  _ cute _ that Sonny may actually cry from that alone.

“Self-destructive?” Sonny offers.

“Self-sabotaging. I believe that’s the term she used.”

“Apples and apples, Barba.”

Rafael rolls his eyes.

“That’s not the saying, Carisi.”

“Yet it’s still applicable, and you understood what I meant.”

“Just because I understood it, doesn’t mean it-”

Rafael catches Sonny’s eye. They both burst out laughing, and  _ god  _ it feels good, It feels easy.

It takes a little while for them to finally calm down. Rafael’s body is now turned to Sonny, a mirror image of Sonny’s own.

“I don’t expect anything from you, Sonny. I don’t. But I’ve been making a conscious effort to speak my mind a lot more.”

Sonny scoffs.

“You tellin’ me you were holding back this whole time?” Rafael gives him a playful shove. “Alright, alright! I get it, I’m sorry.”

“As I was saying, I’ve been trying to be a little more honest with how I’m feeling-”

“Rafael Barba? Honest with his emotions? Has hell frozen-” Sonny earns himself another shove, and another round of laughter.

“Christ, Sonny. Would you let me finish?”

“Alright, sorry. Lips are zipped.” To prove his point, he mimes the action of zipping his lips shut.

Rafael rolls his eyes affectionately.

“As I was  _ saying,  _ I want to be able to communicate how I’m feeling. And the one person who deserves that the most, is you.”

Sonny isn’t smiling anymore. He’s nervous. They may be slowly repairing their relationship, but that doesn’t mean love. It doesn’t mean Rafael feels the same way.

Deep down, he knows that this was the biggest problem in his short-lived relationship with Aria. After all, how can you give your heart when it belongs to someone else?

Sonny nods in response.

“The thing is… I didn’t want to say it if you- while you were in a relationship. I didn’t want to put you in that position.”

Sonny’s heart is singing. This is it. This is  _ real. _

Rafael is sitting next to him, and pouring his heart out, and he respected Sonny enough to wait until he wasn’t in a relationship so he didn’t make Sonny uncomfortable, and Sonny is falling in love  _ all over again _ .

“Raf,” is all he manages to get out.

“I understand if you need time. Or if you don’t want to. Or… God, or if I’ve completely misread this whole situation,” he finishes with a breathy laugh.

Sonny reaches out to Rafael’s hand that’s resting in his lap. Rafael meets him halfway, linking their fingers together. Their hands are warm. A promise. 

_ Love. _

“I might need a little time.” Rafael’s face flashes with a flicker of pain, but he nods. He understands. “I just mean we should take things slow. Get to know each other again. Do it right this time.”

No pain on Rafael’s face. Pure, unequivocal love.

“I completely agree, Sonny.”

Rafael squeezes his hand.

The rain patters on the window.

Sonny lifts his arm around Rafael’s shoulders and pulls him close.

Rafael’s head rests on his shoulder.

_ Love. _

  
  



	6. Damn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it’s little things, like letting Sonny be the one to reach out and hold his hand in public, even if he’s dying to link fingers as they walk. Other things… Rafael understand why they’re waiting. Why things are moving slowly. He’s had to gain Sonny’s trust again, to prove he won’t hurt him once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that? I finally posted the last chapter?  
> HERE IT IS.  
> This work has kicked my ass a thousand times over, but I finally finished it! I hope you've all enjoyed going on this bittersweet journey with me. These lawyer boyfriend's have broken my heart and pieced it back together, all in the space of a couple of weeks.  
> Please let me know if you enjoyed this final chapter!  
> If you'd like to talk more about Barisi and SVU, or just memes and shitposts, my tumblr is: astronautmike-dexter.tumblr.com  
> Thanks to ChameleonCircuit for literally making sure my writing makes sense, and for constantly supporting me and my trash. This story would be nowhere if it wasn't for her.
> 
> Final Song - I Like Me Better. Lauv. Because of course it is.

Rafael smoothes his crimson tie down. The one Sonny tells him brings out his eyes. He’s wildly incorrect, and Rafael always tells him so, but he maintains it’s Rafael’s most flattering tie. So Rafael wears it. For Sonny.

He’s waiting in his office. Sonny is running about ten minutes late to pick him up, but Rafael is happy to wait.

Things have been better. Much, much better. 

 

 

Rafael took two months off from work. His therapist tried to talk him into taking longer, but he knew he wouldn’t need more than two months. It was enough.

It was enough time to figure out if this job is what he wanted.

It was enough time to really let his mental health recover.

It was enough time for Sonny to forgive him. He hoped.

They were taking things slow. Not just for Sonny’s benefit, but for Rafael’s own. His therapy had made him realise that he had a tendency towards making impulsive decisions, throwing himself wholeheartedly into those decisions, then promptly regretting them once the high wore off. 

He didn’t want Sonny to feel like a regret. More than he already did.

 

 

A knock at the door, followed by it being gently pushed open.  _ Sonny. _ Rafael couldn’t stop the smile from growing on his face even if he tried, not that he’d ever want to try. He wants Sonny to see exactly how he makes him feel. Happy. Content.  _ Better. _

“Sorry I’m late,” he apologies, looking a little worried.

“Don’t apologise. It gave me a chance to catch up on work.”

Rafael watches Sonny’s eyes flicker to his chest.

“You wore the red one.”

Rafael bites his tongue to stop himself from chipping Sonny about the fact that he’s told him a  _ billion times  _ that red and crimson are not the same thing.

“You seem to like it.”

Sonny beams, and Rafael knows it’s worth wearing the tie, if it means he can see that beautiful smile.

“You ready to go, Counselor?”

Rafael’s tongue is going to be sore if he keeps having to bite it. He’s told Sonny so many times that he doesn’t need to call him Counselor at work, but Sonny maintains he wants to keep things professional in the workplace. Rafael understands. To an extent. It’s selfish, but he just loves the sound of his name on Sonny’s lips.

“Always, Detective.”

They walk in silence from the office, shoulders bumping as they maintain a close, yet frustratingly professional distance. Rafael is letting Sonny call the shots. He’s been doing that ever since they rekindled their relationship. He wants Sonny to be comfortable with each step they take together.

Sometimes it’s little things, like letting Sonny be the one to reach out and hold his hand in public, even if he’s dying to link fingers as they walk. Other things… Rafael understand why they’re waiting. Why things are moving slowly. He’s had to gain Sonny’s trust again, to prove he won’t hurt him once more.

 

 

The day after Rafael turned up on Sonny’s doorstep, they went for coffee. Rafael let Sonny choose the place, but when he arrived at the address, he was hit with a wave of anxiety.

Sonny had picked the place Rafael had dumped him.

Rafael spotted Sonny through the window. When their eyes met, Sonny’s face lit up and he waved Rafael in.

Once he had ordered his coffee, he dropped into the chair in front of Sonny.

“Hey Raf.”

Rafael briefly wondered if anyone had ever died from happiness over someone saying their name.  _ Not someone. Sonny. _

“Sonny. Interesting choice.” He gestured to the café. 

“Heard about it from a friend.” Rafael refrained from rolling his eyes,  _ purely  _ because of the smirk Sonny was giving him.

“Seriously though…”

Sonny sighed, averting his gaze down.

“I dunno. I guess I had this crazy idea that if we came here, it would help us erase the past. Replace the bad with the good.”

Rafael wanted to reach out and hold Sonny’s hands. He wasn’t going to push it though.

“I like that idea.” Sonny lifted his head. His expression was unreadable, which concerned Rafael, as he was normally an open book. “I just wish…”

“Wish what?” Sonny prompted, after Rafael went quiet.

“I just wish there was no bad.”

The waiter came over and placed Rafael’s coffee cup in front of him. Rafael noticed they both didn’t order takeaway cups. They were there to stay. 

“I get that. It was just the wrong time for us. Neither of us were in a place to be what we needed to be for each other.” Rafael wasn’t sure when they had started holding hands, but he was grateful they were.

“And now?”

Sonny smiled sweetly.  _ So sweet.  _ Then it disappeared quickly, replaced with that damn unreadable look again.

“Raf…” he trailed off.

Rafael squeezed his hand.

“Tell me, Sonny. I want to know.”

Sonny shook his head slightly.

“I don’t know if you do.”

Rafael poured every facet of honesty into his eyes.

“Sonny. I can handle it.”

He averted his eyes again, choosing to look at their connected hands.

“I’m scared of getting hurt again.”

Rafael felt his heart ache, but forced his face to be neutral.

“Sonny. Look at me.” He waited until Sonny was ready to meet his eyes. “I don’t know how long it will take, or exactly what it will take, but I am willing. I’m here, Sonny. With you, for you… however you’ll have me.”

Sonny smiled sweetly again. This time, it didn’t leave his face.

 

 

They are about to step into the restaurant, when Rafael falters.

“Raf? You okay?”

He takes a deep breath.

“Just one second.”

The squad are all inside waiting. He’s been back at work for a week, and they want to celebrate his triumphant return. He can feel his heart rate picking up. He can feel his breathing tighten. Most importantly, he can feel a…  _ desire, _ bubbling within him.

A hand on his shoulder pulls him from his inner conflict.

“Raf, we don’t have to do this. We can go to yours right now, order something in, watch Pineapple Express.”

That does sound… nice.

“As appealing as James Franco is, I think I need to do this.”

Sonny moves his hand to Rafael’s lower back, and opens the door for him.

His hand stays there as they walk through the restaurant, and as they greet everyone. He removes it as Rafael sits down, only to place it on the back of Rafael’s chair. A comfort. A show of support. Sonny’s way of saying, ‘I’m here for you. I’ve got you. You can do this.’

Rafael believes him.

 

 

Their first official date came a week after Rafael had begun his long-service leave. They had a few coffee dates here and there, but nothing so official. 

Rafael sat at the Thai restaurant, sipping his ginger beer, wishing he had something stronger. That need for something to shake the nerves… it never really went away. Just laid dormant, waiting for moments of stress or anxiety. Then it would rear its ugly head, teasing and mocking Rafael into wanting to succumb. He wouldn't though.

The door opened, and there he was. It had been raining, so his hair was a little wet, and Rafael swore there had never been a sweeter sight.

“Hey Raf, sorry I'm late.” Rafael wished he could wipe that concerned expression right off Sonny’s face.

Sonny leaned down to give Rafael a quick peck on the cheek.

“Sonny it’s fine. You don’t have to apologise for that.”

He took his seat across from Rafael, his face still pinched with worry.

“I know. I want to though,” he muttered.

Rafael racked his brain for why he would want to apologise. Then it hit him. It hit him so hard like he’d be punched in the gut.

“Sonny… You know I’m not going to leave you. Right?”

He gave Rafael a horribly fake smile, and he felt once more like he’d been suckerpunched.

“I know, Raf.”

“But do you believe it? I’m not just going to walk out because you’re late to a date. I don’t know where you see us going, but I’m in this for the long haul.” He was leaning forward at this point, his voice low but sincere. “Or you know, as long as you’ll have me.”

Rafael could feel himself repeating phrases he’d already used for Sonny. He didn’t care. He didn’t care if it took a whole lifetime to convince Sonny he’d never abandon him again. If they woke up and he had to prove himself every single morning. He would do it. For Sonny.

Sonny who seemed convinced. For now.

“I’m in this for the long haul too, Raf.”

Rafael believed him.

After their dinner, Rafael walked Sonny to his apartment building. They held hands. The rain had finally stopped. As they stopped in front of the building, Rafael expected to say goodbye and be on his way. But when Sonny lifted his hand to Rafael’s face and stroked his cheek with his thumb, Rafael felt like he was floating. When Sonny leaned in, his lips hovering just over Rafael’s, his knees went weak. And when their lips softly connected, Rafael felt like a teenager again. His heart singing, his legs like jelly, his eyes watering from the sheer perfection of the moment. 

 

 

“So Barba, what’s it like being back?” Fin asks after they’ve finished their meals.

Rafael feels Sonny’s hand press firmly against his shoulder.

“Paperwork, paperwork and more paperwork. What’s not to love?”

A chorus of laughter sounds around the table.

“I’m sure Carisi has been helping with that, hey Barba?” Rollins teases. Rafael turns his gaze to Sonny, who is flushed, probably from head to toe.

Sonny still isn’t quite used to the squad knowing about them.

 

 

Rafael had tried cooking dinner. In his spare time from not working, he had taken on many activities to find one that would be a great distraction. The past three days it had been cooking.

At first it was simple things. He tried a chicken stir fry, which hadn’t been terrible. Then he had tried a carbonara. Which Sonny had enjoyed. Well, managed to eat. The exact words he used were ‘It’s not terrible’. But tonight… he had tried a roast.

The smoke alarm blared. Sonny was on a chair with a newspaper, waving it around to blow the smoke away from it.

“I’m sorry, Sonny!” Rafael felt helpless.

The alarm finally stopped. Sonny was laughing as he climbed off the chair.

“It’s fine. I just know never to let you near my oven again.”

Rafael rolled his eyes as Sonny pulled him into a patronising hug.

“I know how to work an oven. Yours just has different settings to mine,” Rafael mumbled into Sonny’s chest.

“Pretty sure the temperature stays the same no matter what oven you use.”

Rafael pulled away slightly, enough to glare at Sonny.

“Are you going to keep mocking me or are you going to order some takeaway?”

Sonny chuckled and pressed a kiss to Rafael’s forehead.

“Thai okay?” he asked as he let go to find his phone. 

“Sounds good.” Rafael made his way to the couch and plonked onto it, sprawling his legs along the length of the couch. Sonny came back into the room.

“Said they’ll be half an-” Sonny stopped in his tracks. “Oh man, Raf.”

Rafael noticed his cheeks flush a little.

“Something wrong, Sonny?”

Sonny shook his head, his lips pulling into a shy grin.

“Nothing, you just…” he trailed off, his eyebrows furrowing a little. 

Rafael’s eyes widened as he realised what was happening. He spread his legs ever so slightly. He could feel his arousal build, just from the sight of Sonny looking so  _ damn  _ hot and flustered.

Sonny was on top of him in a heartbeat, in between his legs, pressed chest to chest. Their lips connected in a fury, a powerful passion they hadn’t shared in a long time. Sonny pushed his hips against Rafael’s, causing them to moan into each other’s mouths. Their tongues danced around each other as they made out like horny teenagers. Rafael wondered if it was possible to come in his pants from dry humping, even at his age.

Sonny was the first to pull away.

“Whoa whoa, hold on a sec,” he mumbled against Rafael’s lips. Rafael stopped instantly.

“You okay?” he breathed out. He could hear how turned on he sounded, but he didn’t want to push Sonny into doing something he’d regret.

“I’m so great, I am. I just… I still want to take things slow.” He turned his head away, embarrassed.

“So do I, Sonny.”

Sonny brought his eyes back to Rafael’s. Blue on green.  _ Beautiful. _

Sonny pressed his lips to Rafael’s again. Softer. Slower. Perfect.

Rafael pulled away first this time.

“Sonny… I’ve been thinking.” Sonny’s eyes flashed with a moment of fear. “Nothing bad, don’t worry. It’s just, when I go back to work, we… we, uh-”

“We’ll have to disclose.”

Rafael’s heart started racing. Maybe this wasn’t something Sonny was ready for.

“Is that something you’d consider?”

For a brief moment Rafael thought Sonny was going to say no. That it was too soon, and maybe this whole thing was a mistake, and he doesn’t trust Rafael.

That is until Sonny’s face brightened, and a huge smile plastered across his lips.

“I’d love that.”

_ I love you. _

Rafael wanted to scream it from the rooftops.

He didn’t though. He knew Sonny needed to be the first one to say it.

So instead he kissed Sonny again.

_ Beautiful. _

 

 

Rafael is a little surprised with himself. He had thought that he’d at least want a glass of scotch a few times throughout the meal. Just to make it through. He never did though. Aside from the start of the meal.

But here he is, sober, walking to Sonny’s apartment, hand in hand with the love of his life.

Because that is what Sonny is to him.

The light. The hope. The honesty.

Everything that Rafael is sure he doesn’t deserve, wrapped up in a lanky, Italian cop-slash-lawyer from Staten Island.

They reach the outside of Sonny’s building. The place where the second chapter of their relationship began. Tonight the sky is clear.

“How long were you waiting?”

Rafael looks up at Sonny, who must have been remembering the same night.

“In the rain?” Sonny nods, taking both Rafael’s hands into his own. “Not as long as you’d think. About 40 minutes. I… I kept pacing to keep warm. I got to the corner, and turned around, and you were there. Looking like a portrait of self-pity.”

Sonny chuckles at the poor attempt at teasing. He can see through it. Through all of Rafael’s deflections.

“Raf,” he whispers, leaning in close.

“Sonny,” Rafael whispers back. Rafael can feel Sonny’s breath on his lips.

His heart kicks into overdrive.

_ I love you. _

He has to say it. He  _ needs  _ to say it.

“I love you.” If Rafael wasn’t staring at his lips, he would have missed Sonny saying it.

“What?”

“I love you, Raf. You are honestly, everything I love. You’re smart, you’re witty, and you just care  _ so much.  _ I’ve never met anyone with so much heart. I love you.”

Rafael refuses to fight the smile from appearing on his face. Refuses to fight the tears rolling down his cheeks. Refuses to hold back anymore.

“I love you too.”

 

 

Rafael can feel the sweat coating his body. Sweat, and saliva, and… other things. A mixture of his own and Sonny’s. His breathing is heavy as he lays on top of Sonny’s body.

“We should clean up,” he mumbles into Sonny’s neck.

Sonny wraps his arms around Rafael’s body, holding him in place.

“Uh-uh. Not yet.”

Rafael huffs a laugh out.

“Sonny, we’re filthy right now.”

He bites back a moan as Sonny bites his earlobe.

“I don’t mind a bit of filthy.”

“What possibly gave you the impression I could go for round two?”

In one quick movement, Sonny rolls them over so he’s on top.

“Well, we’re young, we’re in love. Anything is possible.” He tries to prove his point by grinding his hips down.

“One of us is young,” Rafael weakly retorts.

“Hey, we’re both young. We’re not over fifty.”

Rafael tenses for a moment.

“Sonny, I’m almost fifty.”

He just giggles.  _ Giggles. _

“Like I said, we’re not  _ over  _ fifty.”

Rafael can’t stay mad. He just pulls Sonny down for another kiss.

A kiss that keeps his silent promises. A kiss that binds them together. A kiss that says,  _ I love you. _

He remembers he doesn’t just have to kiss to say that now.

He pulls back and runs a hand through Sonny’s hair.

“I love you, Sonny.”

Sonny rests his forehead against Rafael’s.

“I love you too, Rafael.”

They believe each other.

_ Beautiful. _

  
  



End file.
